You wanted something to read... Well now u have it.

What do you do when u are broken? I mean really broken? Not because of a bad break up, or losing a job, but when you are really broken???? What do you do? Who do you turn to? What do you do? Where do you go? When you are so passed blaming it on a bad child hood, or being 3rd string- left out?? What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

That's what I need to know? I need to know how you deal with this pain? This pain that even prevents you from talking about it because the threat of vomiting is RIGHT there! That's what I'm talking about, that kind of pain. This isn't about cute wording, and being dark and twisty on the inside so I have something to write about, this is about not even being able to talk about it because I might actually throw up.

How much self-allowed failure can you have in your life before you just give up? I mean I have never thought about killing myself, but I now understand the inclination... When it hurts this bad, and you just don't want to go on, and you don't know how to go on, and nothing helps... Nothing helps. Is it self sabotage? Is it a need to fail so you can prove people who doubted you right? If that's the case, how does that even start? That feeling of people doubting you?

I am smart, and I am beautiful, and people like being around me because somehow they feel I make their lives better... So how can I feel like this? How can I feel so lazy, and unsuccessful, and stupid?

Why did I behave like that? How could I have lost control so bad that it took things to this level?

I found "it". You know what 'it' is, everyone has there it. More commonly known to woman as 'ever after' or to men as 'the perfect score' or to a priest in the making finding 'God'. Each having their own plethora of meanings but really it just coming down to the same thing. What they want for life. What will make you happy for ever. After all the bad choices I have made in this life, leading me to the place I'm at now, i somehow had still found MY 'it' and have lost it...

What hurts so bad about it is not that tomorrow isn't coming, or that I can't face it and move on. It's that I don't want to. I want my 'TAKE BACK', that's what I want. Why don't we get take backs??? I saw all my tomorrows with my 'it', and it made feel like I was flying on top of the world, and safe. And I lost it all with a broom and a shoe fund. I know things happen for a reason, but this isn't one them, it never should of happened. I went crazy, I lost it, and now I have lost everything.

I know this isn't a purge as much as it is just a bunch of rhetorical questions, probably still a good read, but I want answers!!! I want to know how someone could be as stupid as me!!! Am I crazy? Is it self sabotage? Do I want to be unhappy?

I can survive this, but to what avail? Proving I can make it only to fail? What is wrong with me? I just want to know what is wrong with me? The truly sick part is, people are jealous of me... They want my light. I wish I could give it away, because its not real, its so not real. It is my curse.

I have never wanted pity, or people to feel sorry for me, but now I think it hurts so bad- I wouldn't even notice.

There is no one to blame, but myself. At this point, it's not about failing, I am just broken. And like a mirror or drinking glass you've dropped on the floor, you don't try and fix it... You just sweep it up and throw it away. Some things are just not worth fixing.

I lost my it, and I don't get a take back. And now, i am broken. Broken. I am so broken.