are you serious?

2006-12-17T16:11:00.000-08:00

You wanted something to read... Well now u have it.

What do you do when u are broken? I mean really broken? Not because of a bad break up, or losing a job, but when you are really broken???? What do you do? Who do you turn to? What do you do? Where do you go? When you are so passed blaming it on a bad child hood, or being 3rd string- left out?? What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

That's what I need to know? I need to know how you deal with this pain? This pain that even prevents you from talking about it because the threat of vomiting is RIGHT there! That's what I'm talking about, that kind of pain. This isn't about cute wording, and being dark and twisty on the inside so I have something to write about, this is about not even being able to talk about it because I might actually throw up.

How much self-allowed failure can you have in your life before you just give up? I mean I have never thought about killing myself, but I now understand the inclination... When it hurts this bad, and you just don't want to go on, and you don't know how to go on, and nothing helps... Nothing helps. Is it self sabotage? Is it a need to fail so you can prove people who doubted you right? If that's the case, how does that even start? That feeling of people doubting you?

I am smart, and I am beautiful, and people like being around me because somehow they feel I make their lives better... So how can I feel like this? How can I feel so lazy, and unsuccessful, and stupid?

Why did I behave like that? How could I have lost control so bad that it took things to this level?

I found "it". You know what 'it' is, everyone has there it. More commonly known to woman as 'ever after' or to men as 'the perfect score' or to a priest in the making finding 'God'. Each having their own plethora of meanings but really it just coming down to the same thing. What they want for life. What will make you happy for ever. After all the bad choices I have made in this life, leading me to the place I'm at now, i somehow had still found MY 'it' and have lost it...

What hurts so bad about it is not that tomorrow isn't coming, or that I can't face it and move on. It's that I don't want to. I want my 'TAKE BACK', that's what I want. Why don't we get take backs??? I saw all my tomorrows with my 'it', and it made feel like I was flying on top of the world, and safe. And I lost it all with a broom and a shoe fund. I know things happen for a reason, but this isn't one them, it never should of happened. I went crazy, I lost it, and now I have lost everything.

I know this isn't a purge as much as it is just a bunch of rhetorical questions, probably still a good read, but I want answers!!! I want to know how someone could be as stupid as me!!! Am I crazy? Is it self sabotage? Do I want to be unhappy?

I can survive this, but to what avail? Proving I can make it only to fail? What is wrong with me? I just want to know what is wrong with me? The truly sick part is, people are jealous of me... They want my light. I wish I could give it away, because its not real, its so not real. It is my curse.

I have never wanted pity, or people to feel sorry for me, but now I think it hurts so bad- I wouldn't even notice.

There is no one to blame, but myself. At this point, it's not about failing, I am just broken. And like a mirror or drinking glass you've dropped on the floor, you don't try and fix it... You just sweep it up and throw it away. Some things are just not worth fixing.

I lost my it, and I don't get a take back. And now, i am broken. Broken. I am so broken.

2006-12-07T14:26:00.000-08:00

Holiday Blues are a little confused.

Along with the strike words have gone on in my brain, a new twisty occurrence has happened that I wish to share w/ the 32 people that read my blog. I have a history of the holiday blues. Seasonal yes, having to do with weather change, no. Just history repeating or not repeating itself leaving me a little anxious and excited as Dec. 24th and Dec 31st fastly approach.

Now I have not been completely honest with you about my writer's block. For I have been able to write, just nothing I would post for public viewing. I do not want to put yawns on my faithful viewers faces- HOWEVER-- what I have been writing would appeal to the avid Kathleen Woodiss reader, or any trashy love novelist theme. For you see my dear friends, I have fallen in love, and as a direct result have no dark and twisty emotions flowing through my veins anymore- inspiring beautiful, thought provoking, witty, streams of conscious...
Now this may not seem weird, to fall in love, but for me, even almost 1 1/2 years later (thats about how long ago i fell in love), and after almost 5 years of dating, the passion, the chemistry, and the fun is still everywhere. That may not be weird either, but it is- it is because I never bought in to love, or boyfriends, or toads and princes. So I thought my brooding sense of tragedy and humor laden w/ comedy would last forever- (written while laughing caustically w/ my head tilted back...) I have now found my nemesis though- my nemesis for my writers block! I understand why I now feverishly write it all down in my journal and not for public knowledge! I am embarrassed for anyone, even people I will never come into contact w/ to know what a wOman I have become, and I feel like it would make for a lame read. Not dark and tragic enough, not intertwined w/ my everyday mishaps that result in embarrassment for me and a laugh for you.... Its all about HIM, and how he makes ME feel, and how great WE are together! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What is this madness??? This madness is what has removed my holiday blues, and my words, my public words, but alas, i might have found a cure---
10 minutes a day. Period.
If I write for 10 minutes a day, w/ no plan about what I write, eventually that flow will come and the next thing I know is it will be ten days later, no room left on my hard drive and... Yes, finally, a not so lame, yawn infested READ! So far that hasn't happened- the 10 day write-a-thon, but the burst have come and my creative juices are flowing, and slowly but surely- I will be back in the game!!!! hehehehe!
and just a side note: He's getting ready to go to work right now, and he's wearing all black, and sweet love of white shedding dogs everywhere- that man knows how to wear all black... That's my favorite. But my secret is no secret, so his secret becomes mine, because he knows how amazing I think he looks in all business black, so he wears it extra, just for me... Or maybe just for him, because he does come home in the same thing he left for work in... Huh, I just thought of that- that tricky bastard : )

2006-11-30T11:55:00.000-08:00

When your creative flow feels like its completely stopped and all you want to do is write, but you have nothing to say- what do u do? What's ur next step? Stop drinking? Start drinking? Listen to the silence and not the tv, or radio? Watch your dogs playing, their simple actions generating so much joy?!

I have been banging my head against a wall since i pretty much hopped on the blogger band wagon and i have no idea what's wrong w/ me...

i read other blogs and i crack up, and i wonder- why can't i write like that anymore? is it because i'm content. not bored, just content... Do i need more mess? Probably, okay, i will not sweep today- or dust... but i have to do the dishes, period... kidding...

2006-11-08T09:15:00.000-08:00

Snotty noses

Right now there is a limitless supply of runny, clear, snot that is just pouring out of my nose. The reason it overstockded this week was in anticipation of my new job that has a very 'high-end, polished' office environment and then of course the fact that i have a very important wedding to attend this weekend. lovely. just lovely.

2006-09-01T09:37:00.000-07:00

Something might be wrong with me. I am sitting here taking my lunch blogging. When i'm at my desk i'm playing on the internet. When i go home for a weekend i take work with me. What am i missing? Work at home, play at work, and bog at lunchtime??? i'm such a freak.

2006-08-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

Work Sedated

Remember in college when you were sitting in that 100 or 200 level class that you had to take, there was no “if, and or butttt’s” about it? For example, biology, there wasn’t something to substitute for biology that would make life or lack of an attendance policy any easier. That’s sort of how I feel about my job. Most of the time I like it, watching department heads walk by with pretend stern looks, IMing with friends when your department head isn’t peeping over your shoulder, enjoying 68 percent of the work load that comes across your desk. But then the dreaded 3 o’clock rolls around, and you are running out of excuses to stretch your legs. The coffee in the break room is now stale and room temperature, you’ve eaten lunch, if you go to the bathroom anymore people might become suspicious that you have irritable bow syndrome, and you’re not willing to make personal calls because you know if you are experiencing this then your department head is as well. And he is allowed to flaunt his power by pulling an office space boss type move and showing his nose hair on the sleeve of his crisp white shirt as he rest his elbow on the corner of your suedo wall at your work area. Since this is highly possible after 3pm it’s just safer to IM at the very bottom of your monitor where you can make it vanish like New Kids On the Block into the 1993.
Then it happens. What happened in Algebra II 14 minutes into the class in high school, what happened the minute your professor started lecturing in biology, an involuntary eyelid shut down. Then the feeling like hot syrup rolling slowly down 3 scoops of ice cream, your whole body starts this involuntary reaction. No matter how hard you throw yourself into the task at hand your breathing slows and the fluorescent lights seem to dim and not be as harsh as they were (especially at 8am) and you can’t even compare it to a classic work zone out. At least with a classic work zone out you appear to bystanders as being in consternation over a puzzling work issue, and when someone or in some rare cases, you, snap back into it you have the get out of jail free card of, “this case is just stumping me, I’m going to push it aside and come back to after lunch” With the dreaded involuntary reaction of entire physical body shut down, you really have no control, and if you are not careful, you will be discovered working very hard on a case of the Z’s by your department head instead of the mortgage paying task at hand.
The reason I feel the need to blog this all down is simply because that happened to me today. I tried to fight it, I tried to fake it, but by the time this involuntary reaction hit my knee’s I knew I was in trouble. So I did what any sane woman would do in my shoes… I pulled out my plastic, peeked around to see where nay Sayers might be, and went to a little web site I like to call my baby, but spelled Bebe. Sometimes you just have to do what you gotta do to survive. Today I closed 3 cases, started a new account, ate a turkey and cheese sandwich for lunch, and adopted a classic backless, black dress with a dramatic hem just around the knee, and did not fall asleep in an upright position. As IceCube would say, “Today was a good day.”

2006-08-26T17:22:00.000-07:00

12-24-2005 I had no idea that I had waited two years to hear what he finally said. It was better than “I love you.” When you hang up the phone with someone, and you know that there was more left to be said, and he calls back, immediately, you finally know you are on the same page. We are finally on the same page.
Him: “You didn’t even tell me you missed me.”
Me: “Neither did you.”
Him: “You could of least tell me you missed me a little.”
Me: “Fine, I miss you a little.”
Him: “You better. Good night.”
Me: “Night.”
Then you hang up again, and you know that was not enough, that there was still more to be said. This time though you realize that he’s already turned the page and has no idea, and then you are separated… Until the phone rings again, and your tummy flutters, and you realize, that maybe this one time, maybe this one guy really is on the same page as you and you are not creating a fictional world in your head. You realize that maybe all those stupid movies about love might actually have the slightest ring of truth.
Him: “You know what I find attractive about You? I’ll tell you what I find attractive about You. It’s not your smoking hot body or your nice ass; it’s that you get me. You do get me, right?”
Me: “Yeah, I think so.”
Him: “It’s that you are real. You are happy. I am surrounded by miserable people and I need your companionship. I need your smile. I need you near me. You are going to have to move to Savannah. I have been thinking about this and we are going to have to sort it out this week. One way or the other we are going to have to figure this out. You are either going to have to go your own way, and I am going to have to go my way, or we are going to be together.”
Me: “I like option three.”
Him: “What is option three?"
Me: “The one where we are together.”
Him: “Good, that’s what I was thinking. You won’t have to work, as long as I have a job I will support you-“
Me: “-that’s really sweet of you to say but I like working.” Him: “Just listen to me! It has taken me a long time to come around, but I’m here, I have arrived, and I need you. I didn’t want anything to do with anybody, and then you came along, and everything changed. So you and the dogs are going to need to move to Savannah, and soon. We are going to work it out this week.” “Something has to give Baby. We are going to figure it out this week. I miss you. I’ll call you in the morning, good night Baby.”
When you wait over or almost two and a half years to hear someone say that, why is that the moment when you realize you had no idea that is what you were waiting to hear?

2006-08-26T16:30:00.000-07:00

11-28-2005

A 100 year old man once said to a nation that love was easy; I wanted to break my television set. That is all I have to say at this time.

(in reviewing some of the things that never make it to my journal, just my lap top i sometimes find myself cracking up hysterically... this for instance. i wish i new what had happened that day that inspired me to write only that)

2006-08-26T16:02:00.000-07:00

12-04-2005
The Plight (or Pity) of being a Woman

Absolutely… That is such a realistic theme for women of our time. It comes from an ever degrading time metamorphoses of dating pieces of shit called men. Here we are in our 20-somethings and we go from one dumb penis to another. We are told by the “Greg’s” of the world that we should not waste the pretty and “he” is out there, but where is “out there” and why do we have to put up with so much to get there??? I can’t take it anymore… I can’t! Seeing what my best girlfriends have gone through, and seeing what I have had to go through, I really just can’t take it. I hate Jeff. I hate Big & Pretty. How can he say this morning that he misses me and wants me to move in with him, ask me if I want him for “life” and then just not call me? I hate him! I hate me. Why do we as women, let this kind of lack of action by dumb ass verbalism allow us to believe? I have waited 2 and half years to hear that from him, and I finally do, and what? What? NOTHING! 12 hours later and he has done nothing… Am I over reacting? No, I am just acknowledging the truth of the situation. I hate him. I hate me even more, for giving me this day of floatation… this day of elation, this day of falling in love all over again, then stripping it away by not CALLING! Did anyone ever mention what happens when you actually hit? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fuckers!!!!!! FUCKERSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Now what is so hysterical about that last paragraph is in real life and not over dramatized life, Big was asleep because he went to bed at 10am, and I of course was the first person he called when he decided to roll out of bed. He even mentioned how much he missed me- even while he was sleeping… So silly are we as woman… Why do we give the very ebb of our mental state over to men? As smart, insightful, witty, and cognizant of what’s going on, why can my mood be determined by a phone call or lack there of?